By People Staff
The Assembly of Awe has always blurred the line between art, myth, and mass confusion — but now they’ve blurred the line between love and football.
In a move that’s sent shockwaves through both Hollywood and the NFL, the six-man collective — The Old Man in the Vest, The Guy Who Looks Like a Charcoal Drawing, The Mischievous Street Wizard, The Gadabout Asian Man, The Regular Guy in the Ball Cap, and The Actor with a Visor Sewn to His Head — have announced that they are all officially engaged to the entire Kansas City Chiefs roster… minus Travis Kelce.
Why minus Kelce? “Because Taylor got there first,” the Regular Guy in the Ball Cap tells People with a shrug. “We respect that. But we also respect symmetry. So we married the rest of them.”
The engagements, revealed during a press conference outside Arrowhead Stadium, included unconventional proposal tactics.
- The Old Man in the Vest read a cryptic, plotless epic that somehow ended in 47 offensive linemen weeping and saying “yes.”
- The Guy Who Looks Like a Charcoal Drawing drew each Chief a ring, then smudged it into existence.
- The Street Wizard cast a spell that caused the Lombardi Trophy itself to whisper, “I now pronounce you…”
- The Gadabout Asian Man simply nodded knowingly at Patrick Mahomes — and it was done.
- The Regular Guy tossed a football with a diamond taped to it.
- The Actor with a Visor Sewn to His Head reenacted an entire Shakespeare tragedy but ended with “will you marry me?”
Social media has erupted. “Taylor and Travis might be the romance of the decade,” one fan wrote on X (formerly Twitter), “but the Assembly of Awe just pulled off the romance of the millennium.” Another user simply posted: “Congrats to the Chiefs polycule.”
Insiders close to the team say morale has never been higher. “We’re playing for love now,” one linebacker told People. “Also, for the street wizard, because he told us if we don’t make the playoffs, he’ll hex our cleats.”
As for Swift herself, sources say she’s “bemused but unbothered.” The Assembly of Awe, however, has been less subtle. “We said we wouldn’t be outdone,” the Old Man in the Vest intoned. “Now the whole NFL is a love song.”
The Chiefs return to play this Sunday, and fans can expect sideline chaos: 53 diamond rings glittering under the stadium lights, while six very unusual grooms cheer from the VIP box.